Have you ever felt a chill down your spine when a friend sent you the following message: “I’m coming over to your house”? No, you’re not alone. This feeling is a fairly modern phenomenon. Our social obligation to be hospitable clashes with the modern human’s need for peace and quiet at home.
It’s normal to feel guilty; our parents, grandparents, and other past generations were totally used to having family and friends drop by throughout the day. In comparison, however, we have become hermits who won’t even open the door to the fire department. Psychologist Mercedes Bermejo, a member of the Official College of Psychologists of Madrid, recently clarified the psychology behind all this. The fact is that refusing to invite people over is not a social defect, but it is important to understand why.
Home as Territory
Our home is much more than four walls and a roof: it is a tangible extension of our “self.” The psychologist says, “Our home is a reflection of our personality, and opening it up to visitors is a gesture of trust and intimacy.” There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect that intimacy. In fact, not liking to have guests over does not immediately make us introverted or socially inept.
According to the psychology expert, there are three possible reasons why you might not want to open your door to visitors. The first may simply be fatigue or low social energy; most people have to spend many hours in contact with other people during their working hours. The last thing most people want to do is keep talking. Many people come home and need to decompress from the hustle and bustle of the world at home. Making the effort to be a host can be too much for some people who are not used to this role.
On the other hand, there are practical and logistical factors. Even if your home is fine for you, you often know that there is a lack of space. Something as silly as not having enough chairs or cutlery until you invite all your friends over. In addition, this economy means that we have to live longer with our family or share a flat with other roommates, so you can’t hold social events without disturbing other people. Furthermore, your home may lack heating or air conditioning, which makes it uncomfortable to hold social events or parties during periods of extreme heat (summer) or extreme cold (winter).
Finally, many people see their home as a personal sanctuary. Human beings have lost their “third places,” so it is not at home or at work where we can socialize or simply decompress. Traditionally, these spaces have been places of worship, libraries, or neighborhood associations or associations for fans of a particular sport or hobby. Without this third place to spend time, we are left without a new space in which to restore our energy. Having visitors over is an abrupt change to “social mode,” which is exhausting even if you have invited your best friends.
This reluctance to make an effort has spread among the population. According to a study by IKEA and the General Council of Psychology of Spain, 14.1% of respondents never entertain friends or family. Some 22.6% of this group openly say they do not like having visitors. Another 10% say that the task involves “too much effort.”
Breaking the vicious cycle and welcoming visitors
Although there is nothing wrong with not having visitors, many of us feel bad about not receiving them. We want to host parties, but we feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. To transform our home into a space that is ready to receive visitors, we need to change our approach. Instead of cleaning marathons, we should adopt a “little but often” cleaning philosophy.
By ensuring a constant cleaning schedule (such as the famous 15-minute daily routines), we can make sure that 80% of the chaos that causes anxiety about unexpected visits is under control.