Have you ever felt that the person you are talking to is avoiding eye contact? We have all been there at some point when, believing you are having an interesting (or at least quite important) conversation, the other person does everything possible to avoid eye contact with you. What does this mean? Are they hiding a lie? Are they bored stiff? Or are they just being shy?
Body language is a science in itself, and how we gesture (consciously or unconsciously) can change the entire meaning of the conversation.
Looks and Lies: The Myth
There are many rumors and legends about why a person avoids someone’s gaze when they are talking. Some say that the police use scanners that detect whether a person is looking more to the right or left during a conversation. This method has been thoroughly disproved, as there are no studies that show that neurolinguistic programming makes us look from side to side. Unfortunately, it is much more difficult to detect a lie.
Looking directly into the eyes of the person you are talking to is a fairly Western phenomenon. Most Asian cultures are accustomed to not looking directly into the eyes. This is not a sign of arrogance or indifference, but a sign of respect. In societies with a very strict code of conduct (such as in northwestern Asian countries), looking directly into the eyes of a person of higher rank shows rebellion, disrespect, and a lack of values.
Meanwhile, in Western Europe and North America, we consider it crucial to maintain eye contact with another person; otherwise, you would appear cowardly, nervous, or even as if you were hiding something. But what percentage of the conversation should you maintain eye contact? After all, if you stare into someone’s eyes continuously, you would appear mentally disturbed. So the average person spends a lot of time balancing between looking into the eyes to show that they are still listening and paying attention… and looking away so as not to appear too invasive.
Why do we look away during a conversation?
Most language experts agree that looking away is almost always a defense or concentration mechanism. Looking away serves as a cognitive load reducer: we simply look away so we can think better about what we are actively talking or listening to.
When you are asked a complex question, or simply trying to remember a specific piece of information, your brain needs to reduce the cognitive load of looking. That’s why many people stare at the ceiling when trying to remember something. If the gaze is averted for a couple of seconds, you can be sure that you are doing so in order to formulate a response.
On the other hand, averting your gaze can be a sign of discomfort. Systematically averting one’s gaze can be a sign of insecurity, social anxiety, or simply submission. If a person is under pressure or feels vulnerable in a situation, this makes eye contact more difficult to maintain. If the person you are talking to is constantly avoiding your gaze and showing other signs such as hunched shoulders and a flat tone of voice, they are probably feeling uncomfortable.
As we have discussed before, eye contact can serve as a cultural convention. While avoiding eye contact with an elder is a sign of respect in Asia, this can be seen as disdain in Western cultures. However, prolonged eye contact can have the opposite effect; if someone stares at you without blinking for too long (more than 70% of the total time), this can be a sign of defiance or an attempt at intimidation. If they show dilated pupils and open body language that is completely directed at you… it is most likely sexual attraction. It is up to you to figure out what it is.
How can you show that you care about the conversation?
If you are one of those people who does not have much experience in social situations, here are some tricks you can put into practice:
- Try to maintain eye contact approximately 60% of the time. This is enough time to connect but with pauses to think.
- Nod your head to show that you are following the conversation and encourage the other person to continue talking. This is a very common practice in class, and now your teacher will appreciate the sign that you are listening to their lecture.
- Never cross your arms or legs, as this shows that you are closed to conversation. Lean forward slightly to show that you are receptive.
- Avoid distractions, such as looking at your smartphone all the time.