Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. In fact, divorce has existed as a valid form of formal relationship termination in different cultures for centuries. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t specific habits that can grow bitterness and eventually break things so badly they can’t be fixed. If you happen to be married and want to continue to be so, here are some patterns that experts have been able to detect in troubled relationships.
John and Julie Gottman, the psychologists behind the Gottman Institute, identified four ways of talking that damage a bond and can ruin it completely. Relationship pros gave these habits a scary nickname: the “Four Horsemen of Divorce.” The list includes being critical, showing contempt, getting defensive, and stonewalling.
Every partnership has highs and lows, and things like fighting, blaming each other, and feeling bitter are going to happen—and so are those four bad habits. You should keep your eyes open for these warning signs whenever they pop up.
Criticising 24/7
Everyone criticizes their partner now and then, but it turns risky when attacks get personal or make the other person feel like their actual character is defective. Constant bitching—excuse our French—is not the same as constructive criticism. If you suggest there is something fundamentally broken about your spouse just to ensure you win a fight, you are causing real damage.
Stay away from digging at them personally with lines like “You always do this” or “You never help,” because that just makes them feel like a failure and turns the fight into an issue about their identity rather than a specific mistake. Instead, try to sort things out positively by focusing on your own emotions, such as saying, “It made me feel sad when that happened.”
Despite or contempt
Acting like you are better than your partner, or showing that they irritate you—through words or just body language—is incredibly poisonous and hurtful. This covers things like making fun of them (you may believe it’s a joke, but it isn’t), calling them names, making mean wisecracks, stinging sarcasm, or generally putting them down.
Gottman views contempt as the biggest warning signal that a marriage is ending. It shows that you have absolutely no respect for your significant other. It amounts to emotional abuse and can actually damage the other person’s physical health, too.
Being on guard all the time
People pick up this habit of constant defensiveness to guard themselves when stress levels go up—typically during fights or when they feel attacked or complained about. It tends to show up in two ways, starting with the “blameless victim” act, where a person pretends they are being targeted for no reason.
The second type is what Gottman calls an attitude of moral outrage. This happens when you block a complaint by attacking the other person right back. It amounts to dodging responsibility, shifting the blame to your partner, and skipping over the actual problem.
Stonewalling
The last of the four behaviors is called stonewalling. This is when one person totally backs out of interacting with the other (slightly similar to greyrocking). It typically stems from one or more of the other issues, with contempt being the most common trigger.
It involves cold silence where one side purposely ignores or quits listening to the other to make a point. The major trouble with stonewalling is that it’s a downward slide—once it begins, getting back in touch and connecting again is really hard. The partner dealing with this ends up feeling dumped and unseen.
If you realize you are checking out mentally during a tense situation, let your partner know you need a moment to settle your nerves before getting back to the conversation.